Entitled: Access Ends When the Relationship Does

One of the strangest things you will experience after the end of any relationship, whether it's a friendship, family fallout, breakup, divorce, business partnership, or professional relationship —  is watching some of the same qualities that were once appreciated slowly become sources of tension.

In reality, nothing really changed. Your personality, your culture, your interests, the way you view things, the things you value — all of these things remained the same.

Yet somehow, the response to some of those things changed depending on which one weighs the most in the other person's mind. Eventually, you start looking at the situation differently.

Maybe the value wasn't necessarily what changed. Maybe the access did. And that's one of the things we rarely talk about when relationships end.

When someone becomes part of your world, whether through family, friendship, business, romantic relationships or marriage, you're naturally sharing parts of yourself with them.

Your personality. Your culture. Your relationships. Your interests. Your knowledge. Your experiences. Your perspective. Your connections. Your resources. Your ideas. Your energy. Your support.

Those things become part of a shared life — and as long as the relationship exists, everyone naturally benefits from what you bring into it.

But when a relationship changes, falls apart, or simply reaches its end, it creates an interesting test. The relationship can end while the expectation of access doesn't.

People love and are comfortable with what you bring to the table as long as they feel like they have a seat at it. Once that seat disappears, the same qualities that were once appreciated can suddenly feel different.

Independence can feel like rejection.
Boundaries can feel like exclusion.
Success can create comparison and insecurities.
Your relationships with others can feel like competition.

Through all of it, your ability to continue building a life without someone else's involvement can become uncomfortable for a person who was once accustomed to being part of it.

The independence that once benefited the relationship now benefits only you.
The relationships you built with one group are now being built with another group.
The interests that once became our interests return to being yours.
The culture that once enriched everyone continues with you.

That doesn't automatically tell you why someone responds differently. But if you think about it..

Jealousy.
Insecurity.
Control.
Grief.
Resentment.
Competition.
Difficulty accepting change.

Any of those things can look similar from the outside. And sometimes, more than one can exist at the same time. But regardless of which one comes first, there is beauty in eventually being able to make that distinction.

Although children, business obligations, mutual friends, contracts, and other responsibilities can require continued interaction within the appropriate channels, that doesn't mean the same level of personal access has to continue.

"Access ends when the relationship does."

That's why when a relationship ends, the access you once shared returns to you instead of leaving with them.

Your energy, your wisdom, your drive, your personality, your culture, and everything else you brought into their world were part of the fuel that kept that shared engine running.

When you close the door, access disappears with it. For someone who had grown accustomed to walking through that door, suddenly finding it closed can be uncomfortable.

And sometimes, they'll knock again. Not because they necessarily want the relationship back, but because losing the relationship and losing access to you are two completely different experiences.

And when they want access again, the knock will sound like many different things:

Business.
Friendship.
Rekindling.
Concern.
Apology.
Favor.
Closure.
Emergency.
Or just checking in.

The motives can be different.

Sometimes the reason may be completely genuine. Other times, what appears to be about one thing can become an attempt to recreate a level of access that no longer belongs to the relationship you once had with them

And sometimes, people still want the benefits of your light without understanding that their place within its warmth has changed.

Let them knock....